澳洲FML语录--太好笑--我承认我低俗

在澳大利亚英语学习



1、Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don’t want to break up, my phone battery died. FML
　　
　　今天，我和我男朋友大吵了一架。我给他打了手机，在上面和他大吵大闹。他跟我说如果我不再想跟他了的话，现在就把电话关上吧。我刚想跟他说我仍然很爱他，不想分手的时候，我手机没电了。FML
　　
　　
　　2、Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML
　　
　　今天，我和我的男朋友一家看电影。电影演到了一处特别火辣的OOXX的镜头。当我看到他的爸爸准备用遥控器快进的时候，我感到很欣慰——可是他却（不小心）把电影调成了慢进。结果这镜头我们尴尬地看了将近三分钟，他才解决了这个问题。FML
　　
　　
　　3、Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, "Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean." He replied by saying, "Your eyes are so brown... like my shit". FML
　　
　　今天，我在和一个我喜欢的男生亲热。我看着他的眼睛，说：“你的眼睛真蓝……像大海一样。”他回答，“你的眼睛真褐……像我的屎一样。”FML
　　
　　
　　4、Today, my hunband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML
　　
　　今天，我结婚了三年的老公跟我说他跟我求婚的唯一理由是因为那天他最喜欢的美式足球队赢了所以他喝醉了。我在三天前生的第二个孩子。FML
　　
　　5、Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first ’mouth’ to ever touch it. FML
　　
　　今天，一只蚂蚁蛰了一下我的JJ。这是有史以来第一张碰过我JJ的“嘴”。FML
　　
　　
　　6、Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I recieved a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent ＄1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML
　　
　　今天，我飞到了新西兰，去给我正在那里旅游的女友一个惊喜。在新西兰机场我收到了一条短信：她想要和我分手。我住在密歇根州，花了1500美刀，就为了这场浪漫的“惊喜”。FML
　　
　　
　　7、Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won’t need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That’s what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
　　
　　今天，我庆祝了我的21岁生日。我3年的男朋友给了我一个巨大的粉色ZW器。我以为这是个玩笑，就说：“只要你还在，我就用不上这玩意！”他的回答：“……这就是我想要和你谈谈的事情。”FML
　　
　　
　　8、Today, my wife has been singing "I can’t get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, all morning. She started singing it right after we had sex. FML
　　
　　今天，我老婆一早上都在唱滚石乐队的《我得不到满足》。她在我们OOXX完就开始唱。FML
　　
　　
　　9、Today, I went to my son’s soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my hunband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don’t know some fat bitch." FML
　　
　　今天，我去看我儿子的足球赛。我笑容灿烂地大声欢呼着他的名字。我看到他和他的队友耳语了几句，所以我在晚上又看了遍我老公的录像。他的朋友问的是：“那是谁？”我儿子回答：“我不认识的肥Biao子。”FML
　　
　　10、Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I’m straight. My parents thought different. FML
　　
　　今天，我决定把我的女朋友介绍给我的父母，就告诉他们晚餐的时候会有一位特殊的客人到场。我妈在做饭的时候问我：“他（注意是‘他’）什么样啊？”我取向正常。可我父母不这么想。FML
　  11、Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn’t like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML
　　
　　今天，我被炒了鱿鱼，因为一个客户投诉说她不喜欢我一直盯着她的孩子看时的眼神（暗指恋童）。我是个救生员。FAML
　　
　　
　　12、Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me "oh I have birthday present for you." She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a f***ing stick for my birthday. FML
　　
　　今天，我在我生日的第二天回到了家。母亲来迎接我，告诉我说：“啊，我有个生日礼物要给你。”她解释说她和我爸去远足了，然后就把我的礼物给了我——于是，我MLGB的得到了根登山拐棍作为生日礼物。FML
　　
　　13、Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant and then decided to break up with her. Why? We’re lenbians. FML
　　
　　今天，我得知我的女朋友怀孕了。于是我决定和她分手。你问为什么？因为我们是百合。FML
　　
　　
　　14、Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor’s new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML
　　
　　今天，我在帮我的邻居照看他家的新小狗。那天来了个特别大的雷暴，那小狗被吓得直叫，身体抖得厉害。我把它放到我的膝盖上试着安抚它。在一声巨大的响雷之后，那狗在我身上来了次爆炸性的腹泻，拉了我一身。FML
　　
   15、Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you f***inag cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML
　　
　　今天，我听见我的女儿隔着浴室门向我儿子喊：“你又在里面ZW吗?!”然后我儿子喊了回去：“闭嘴，你个B!!”我女儿7岁，我儿子8岁。FML
　　
　　
　　16、Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she’d probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won’t cry. I get everything I want over there." FML
　　
　　今天，我6岁的小女儿问我：“如果你和爹地死了我怎么办呢？”我告诉她她可能会去和昂特舅舅和艾琳舅妈去住。她看着我，说：“那你们死了就没事了。我不会哭的。我在那边想要啥就有啥。”FML
　　
　　17、Today, my girlfriend’s friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn’t tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML
　　
　　今天，我女朋友的朋友跟她说她看见我和一个很可爱的女孩买东西。我到家了以后我的女友就给了我一拳，问我那女孩是谁。很显然，她的朋友没告诉她那“可爱的女孩”是我三岁的小侄女。因为那拳我少了颗牙。FML
　　
　　
　　18、Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend’s dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML
　　
　　今天，我的男友在淋浴，于是我决定和他一起洗。我脱光了衣服走进了浴室。我踩在水里滑了一跤，脑袋砸到马桶上晕了过去。我醒过来的时候，看到了我男朋友他爸爸包着浴巾看着我。我搞错人了。FML

   19、Today, I was working as a swim 包含uctor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML
　　
　　今天，我在教小孩子游泳。为了让他们不怕水，我把脸埋在水里吹泡泡。我让他们都试试。所有的人都试了，除了一个以外。我走到他跟前，又给他做了次示范。结果他跟我说：“可是我刚才在那片水里尿了。”FML
　　
　　
　20、Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
　　
　　今天，我交往了两年的女友决定和我第一次OOXX。我们在房间里的时候，终于决定要开始时，她向我坦白她从来都没看过J J。为了让她放松一点，我给她看了看我的J J。当她一看到……这个嘛……她晕倒了。FML
　　
    21、Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidently dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML
　　
　　今天，我在足球场上奔跑的时候，突然我嘴里的口香糖掉在球场上了。因为没人发现，所以我就把它捡起来继续嚼。我发现这个口香糖是另外一种味道的。
　　
　　
　　22、Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his ＄20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML
　　
　　今天，我的小镇举办了一次给癌症募捐的园游会。我负责打理一个“亲吻小站”（就是捐钱以后得到一个吻）。一个很可爱的男生过来付了20刀，看了看我，就说：“就算是为了癌症我也不干了。”然后就把钱拿了回去，跑掉了。FML
　　
　　
　　23、Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it’s not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML
　　
　　今天，我在酒吧遇到了一个男生，于是我们后来就回到了我的房间。我们开始OOXX，大概三十秒以后，他就停下来说这事并不对——他太喜欢我了，喜欢到不能忍受和我一(HX你妹）夜(HX你妹）情的地步。他给了我电话号码，吻了我的脸颊以后离开了。实际上他已经射了-_- 于是我给他打电话——但是是错误号码。FML
　　
　　
　　24、Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I’d forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML
　　
　　今天，我在一家中餐馆吃饭。我忘了我的眼镜，所以感觉有些偏头痛。我挤着眼睛，又捏又压我的太阳穴试图缓解头痛。我被从餐馆里赶了出来，永远不得入内，因为那个女服务员以为我在嘲笑她的眼睛。FML
　　
　　25、Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother’s vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML
　　
　　今天，我走到厨房里面，不小心打碎了我妈的花瓶。我说：“事故时有发生嘛。”她回答，“对，像你的出生一样。”FML
　　
　　26、Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML
　　
　　今天我的BF和我在床上缠绵。突然，一句吆喝从外面传来：“嘭！鼹鼠来喽！”我BF停止了动作，兴奋地看着我说：“卖冰激凌的来啦！”然后他把我抛在一边，拿着他的衣服就冲出了房门。FML
　　
　　
　　27、Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan’s!" My daughter has seen Dylan’s peni/s, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML
　　
　　今天我女儿在我洗澡的时候走进来，她说：“嘿，你的那玩意和迪伦的一样大呢！”我女儿见过迪伦的那玩意了。迪伦的那玩意和我的一样大。我女儿和迪伦都是7岁。FML
　　
　　
　　28、Today, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it’s been awhile. FML
　　
　　（这是个女的）今天我朝下看，发现一只蜘蛛在我的大腿内侧爬，很靠近我那里。当我想打掉它的时候，它飞行了几英寸，因为它正在我的腿间织网。连蜘蛛都知道我这里好久没用过了。FML
　　
　　
　　29、 Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML
　　
　　今天，我第一次在一个美术课当裸体模特。班级唯一的要求是我在被观察的时候绝对不能动。几秒钟以后我就注意到了一个非常火辣的女孩在画我——于是我硬了。FML
　　
　　

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30、Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She’s sending me to bible camp. FML
　　
　　今天，我那笃信教的祖母正巧碰到我在ZW。她准备把我送到圣经夏令营里去。FML （基督教认为ZW是罪）
131、Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn’t assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won’t tell if you don’t tell, please don’t tell your mother". FML
　　
　　今天，我半夜偷摸地跑出房子去了。我和我爸碰了个正着——他拿着酒，准备进到另一栋房子里去。我当时没猜他有外遇还是什么的，直到他说：“如果你不说，我就不说——求求你别告诉你妈。”FML
　　
　　
　　32、Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend ＄20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML
　　
　　今天，我才发现我妈在我和我哥们十岁的时候，给了他20刀来雇他当我的朋友。FML
　　
　　
　　33、Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity." FML
　　
　　今天，在做医学院申请的时候，我问了我妈她认为我目前为止生活中遇到的最大挑战是什么。她回答：“试着破处。”FML
　　
　　
　　34、 Today,when I had a masturbating I saw that my sister was having a sex with my brother.FML
　　
　　今天，我ZW的时候看见我姐和我哥在OOXX。FML
　　
　　
　　35、Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I’ve had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn’t a girl. FML
　　
　　今天，我终于鼓起勇气，向一个非常可爱的女孩表白说已经喜欢她超过8个月了。结果我发现她不是女的。FML
　　
　　36、Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML
　　
　　今天，我在外面和朋友逛。我6岁的小女儿也和我们在一起。在经过一个停车场时，我的女儿非常大声地问我：“妈咪，BJ尝起来很糟糕吗？”FML
　　
　　
　　37、Today, I got hypnotized at my school’s variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML
　　
　　今天，我在学校的杂耍秀上被催眠了。很明显，当我被要求去做一件“我特别喜欢做的事情”时，我开始和地板激烈地OOXX。FML
　　
　　
　　38、Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML
　　
　　今天，我准备坐飞机前往芝加哥。我的护照照片是6年前拍的；那时候我还是个很漂亮可爱的小模特。现在，我生了个孩子，体重长了50磅。于是乎当我给机场人员出示护照时，我被以“偷窃他人护照”的罪名逮捕。FML
　　
　　39、Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I’ll kill you and the baby." FML
　　
　　今天，我妈把我叫到楼下；我以为她会终于给我来一场“人生当中最重要的演讲”（虽说晚了能有四年之久）。于是她让我坐下，握住我的手，用温柔的、充满母爱的表情告诉我说：“宝贝，如果你有一天突然怀孕了的话，我就把你和你的小崽子都杀了。”FML
　　
　　
　　40、Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML
　　
　　今天，我的父母造访我的公寓的时候，我养的鸟开始大吵大闹。它在模仿我昨天晚上做爱做的事的时候的呻吟声。此鸟一直在用我的声音尖叫着，特别容易分辨。FML
　　
　　
41、Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML
　　
　　今天，我和我的朋友们在逛购物中心。在美食广场里面我们遇到了一个恶心的变.态正在抚摸一个女人。我定睛一看，惊恐地发现那个变.态就是我老爸，戴了个墨镜和一顶帽子。而且那个被摸的女的不是我妈。FML

  43、Today, my mom came to wake me up because my alarm didn’t go off. She brought my dog in to wake me up and he came and laid on bed. I started to rub what i thought was his neck and playing with a random tuft of fur. I soon realized that it was his penis. I gave my dog a handjob. FML
　　
　　今天，我妈来叫我起床，因为我的闹钟没响。她让我的狗来把我叫醒，于是狗进到屋子里来，躺倒了床上。我开始抚摸我认为是它的脖子的地方，也玩了玩一团不知是它身上哪里的毛。然后我意识到了，那是它的J J。也就是说我帮我的狗打灰机了。FML
  44、Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he’s been cheating on me. With his ex. FML
　　
　　今天，我做了个噩梦，梦见了我的男朋友背着我和他的前女友搞外遇。我几乎是哭着醒了过来，立刻打电话给他，告诉他他对我来说是多么重要。结果，我的梦反倒成了他向我坦白他的罪行的推动力——他确实是在背着我搞外遇。和他的前女友。FML
　　
　　
　　45、Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lenbian. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML
　　
　　今天，我和我认为一定会娶的女孩共享晚餐。一切都很顺利。结账之后，她跟我说她是同志。就在我认为事情不能再糟的时候，她向我挑战，说要比赛看谁能先把到妹。我输了。FML
　　
　　
　　46、Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML
　　
　　今天，我听到了我父母在OOXX。试着做一位看得开的人，我马上打消了奇怪的想法，因为我知道食色性也嘛。我快速地经过了他们的房门，可是就在此时我的猫经过我身边跑进了他们的卧室，把门给撞开了——现在我的父母以为我在偷看，而且需要看心理医生。FML
　　
　　
　　47、Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride’s mother to f*** off. FML
　　
　　今天，在婚礼彩排的时候，我妈跟我丈母娘说了句NMLGB。FML
　　
　　
　　48、Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn’t my own. FML
　　
　　今天，我用了从纽约到波士顿大客车上的厕所，小心翼翼地在马桶座上盖了20多张单片厕纸。在我嘘嘘的时候，客车越过了一处凸起的路面，来了个急转弯——于是我裸露的整片PP都被飞溅起来的尿花和屎花溅满了。而且那些都不是我的。FML
　　
　　49、Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML
　　
　　今天，我走向我的女朋友家，正好碰到了她那可怕的海军陆战队老爸向我扔橄榄球。我不是很擅长运动，于是我接住了那球的时候我自己也吓了一跳。他向我示意扔回去，然后我就眼睁睁地看着橄榄球疯狂地旋转着向左面飞去，正中我女朋友的妈妈的脸。FML
　　
　　
　　50、Today, I woke up happier than I’ve ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on facebook was FML. FML
　　
　　今天，我一辈子从没这么高兴过地从睡梦中醒来，因为昨天晚上我和我暗恋了将近一年的女孩好上了，而我以前一直以为我没机会。今天早上，我看到她facebook上的“状态”是“FML”。FML
   52. Today, I was on a 3 hour plane ride. An elderly man was sitting next to me and before the flight took off, he fell asleep on my shoulder. I decided to be kind and let him sleep. When the flight was about to land, I tried to wake him up. He wouldn’t. He died on my shoulder. FML
　　
　　今天我要搭三小时飞机,坐我旁边的一老大爷在飞机起飞前搭我肩膀上睡着了.我决定做个敬老的好人于是让他在我肩膀上睡了一路.当飞机快着陆的时候我试着叫醒老大爷.可是他醒不来了.他死在了我的肩膀上.FML
　　
　　53.Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML
　　今天我的车丢了.当警察找到它的时候车里面的东西基本上都被拿光了.出于某种原因我拉在后座六双鞋.偷车的人可能觉得拿走一双鞋里面的一只是一件很好玩的事情,于是我就HLL的有了六个单只鞋而且我的车有股子做过的味道.
　　
   54. Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who’s this bitch!?" It turns out she’s his half sister. FML
　　
　　今天我朋友打电话给我说我男朋友正在和另一个女人吃晚饭.我立马赶到发现他们正交谈正欢.我赏了他一巴掌,大喊的问他这个贱人是谁.结果是他妹妹.
　　55. Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn’t wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML
　　
　　今天,我在一个我挺喜欢的人的家里参加party.我们正在就国际形势交换意见的时候他把我拉到了他的房间.我的小心脏砰砰的,以为他终于要和我进行更深一步的交流了.结果他拿出一个除臭棒告我说:"在走廊的时候我本来不想说的,但是你确实需要这个."FML
　　
　　56. Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML
　　
　　今天,我邀请那个我爱的女孩出去约会.她却问我的名字是什么.FML
　　
　　57. Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML
　　
　　今天我最好的朋友给我组织了次相亲.当我和那小子一见面他就说要出去打个电话.就在我们坐的桌子旁边几步远,我听到他在电话里说:"拜托,贾斯汀.这就是你给我介绍的美女?"贾斯汀就是那个组织我们相亲的那个孙子.FML
　　
　　58. Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. Less than two minutes later, he decided he wasn’t ready for the commitment. After I had already said yes. FML
　　
　　今天,我那交往了两年的男朋友向我求婚.一分钟之后他就反悔说他那柔弱的肩膀不能承受婚姻之重.而我已经答应了他的求婚.FML
　　
　　59. Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML
　　
　　今天我花了80刀去换掉我的手机号码因为我发现我的前女友跟踪我.为了通知我的朋友我换了号码,我给我电话簿里的所有人群发了短信,其中包括我的前女友.FML
　　
　　60. Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, "That motherer broke up with me!" My now ex-boyfriend replied, "Yeah, I know I did." FML
　　今天我的男朋友打电话给我说分手.一挂掉电话我就开始痛哭.于是我就打电话给我最好的朋友,一接通我就喊:"那个混蛋甩了我."我的男友,准确的说是前男友回答说:"是的,我知道我甩了你."

    61. Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in my front yard. As I stormed off in my dramatic exit, I realized I had locked myself outside. I had to ask my now ex-boyfriend to borrow his phone so I could call my mom. FML
　　
　　今天我的男朋友在我家前院说要和我分手.当我彪悍的冲出去发泄的时候,我发现我把自己锁在外面了.我不得不向现在的前男友借手机来告诉我老妈我给所在外面了.FML
　　
　　62 Today, I was looking at my friend’s dad’s Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it’s my mom in a wig. FML
　　
　　今天,我正在欣赏我朋友的老爸的Facebook上的照片,因为他刚刚更新了状态.我看到了他和一群长相悲哀的妓女呆在一个Bar里,而且几乎每张照片里他都和这些丑女人动手动脚.在无情的鄙视了这群丑女人十分钟后,我发现其中一个丑女人是我那带着假发的老妈.FML
　　
　　63 Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven’t slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML
　　
　　今天,我交往了四年的男朋友告诉我说他要离开我因为我们有那么一段时间么睡在一块了.我刚刚生下我们第一个孩子而且正在从剖腹产的痛苦中恢复过来.FML
　　
　　64 Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I’d just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she’s been cheating on me with. FML
　　
　　今天,我的女朋友甩了我并且拒绝归还我刚买的套套.为什么?因为她想和背着我偷的人用.FML
　　
　　65 Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML.
　　
　　今天我本来计划向我那交往了三年的女友求婚.我预订了一个浪漫的晚餐,而且在晚餐后还准备了漫天的烟花来表明我的求婚.这些事情我花了数个星期准备而且花了我一大笔钱.结果,在地铁站,我那可爱的女友先向我求婚.FML
　　
　　66 Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We’re highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I’ve been seeing someone else for 2 years and I’m choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML
　　
　　今天,我本来觉得我那交往了六年的男朋友会向我求婚.我们是高中生情侣而且他是我的初恋.当他深情望着我的眼睛时他说:"我已经和别人好了两年而且在你们之间我决定选她.....这是一个艰难的选择."FML
　　
　　67 Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML
　　
　　今天,我让交往了五年的男友在我和魔兽世界里面选一个,要不不玩魔兽要不和我分手.他说魔兽世界会让他更开心点.FML
　　
　　68 Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML
　　
　　今天,我接到了父母的电话说他们要离婚了.我哥刚和我每人掏了5000刀而且花了数个月的时间来计划他们那位于下个月的结婚50周年纪念日.FML
　　
　　69 Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to become a lesbian. I also learned that she’s coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML
　　
　　今天,我终于发现原来我的前女友两年前与我分手是因为她是个百合.而且我也知道她会来我家吃晚饭.因为我的妹妹是她的女朋友.FML
　　
　　70 Today, my friend told me that she gave my number to a guy I’ve liked for a while. I asked why and she just said "He’s just going to have to tell you himself." I got hopeful and really nervous. A few hours later he calls. Turns out, he’s called to try and get a date with my gay friend. FML
　　
　　今天我朋友告诉我说她把我的号码给了那个我暗恋了很久的家伙.我问她问什么,结果她告我说那个家伙要亲自对我说,弄得我满怀期待,心砰砰乱跳.几个小时之后那个家伙打电话了.他只是想我的GAY朋友约会.FML
　　
   71.今天，早餐桌上，我妈问我对几星期前来过我们家的那个水管工怎么看，我告诉她那人真的非常可爱，而且我曾很努力地试图与他调情。我妈点点头，然后告诉我那人是她的新男友，并且很快要搬来和我们一起住。FML
　　
　　72.今天，在部署到伊拉克七个月后，我休假回到家。我想在今天和我女朋友见见面，但她说她需要和她生病的祖母呆在一起。事实证明，她生病的祖母和我的表弟是同一个人。FML
　　
　　73.今天，我的前男友被他现任女友给甩了，我给他写了首歌告诉他我仍然有多爱他，希望他能给我个机会。结果前男友将歌转给甩他的那女孩，并说这歌是他写的。于是他俩复合了。FML
　　
　　74.今天，我比平时早一些下班回家，撞见女友和我最好的朋友在一起。我原谅了她，她以为这是因为我爱她，其实我只是不希望在别的方面也下岗了而已（这哥们刚刚丢了工作）。FML
177 Today, I called back a number I recently missed a call from. To my surprise, it was the number of my boyfriend’s fiance (I had no clue). I’ve been with him 4 years, he’s been with her for 6. Turns out, not only is he a cheating jerk, but technically *I’m* the other woman! FML
　　
　　今天,我给最近的一个未接电话回电话.结果让我大吃一惊,她是我男朋友的未婚妻(我不是故意的..) 我和男友一起4年了 而她和我男友在一起6年.因此不止是我的男友是一个烂货,而且从技术角度来说我才是那个小三.FML

评论
我有时晚上睡不着觉的时候，都用iphone看看FML，太有趣了

评论
fml 是什么啊？

评论
= My Life 是由外国一些搞笑的人自爆自己的囧事而开创的名词

评论

那么前面的F就是Fxxx啰？
我最讨厌现在太多的缩写，搞不清楚。

评论
没错，就是fxxk
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