2月的考试
题目 The Old House
最后评分 Top 2%
抛砖引玉，大家一起来贴来交流吧
Belle opened the door to the dark house slowly, shivering.
In her mind was Lisa, one of her classmates. The voice of hers-so graceful and elegant-echoed in her ears, distracting her like an earworm. “Stay away from that house! It’s haunted!” She had exclaimed last Tuesday, pointing to the house which stood at the end of the street by itself.
Darkness engulfed the room. There was merely any light, and the only light came from the crack in the back of the house. Cobwebs dangled from the beams. There was also a foul smell. There was a peculiar silence in the room.
Belle’s heart was hammering against her chest, nearly breaking a hole through her skin. She took a deep breath, swallowed her saliva and squeezed her eyes tight. Then she began sneaking forward.
The ground was hard to walk on; lumpy and jagged. Every few steps she took the ground went uneven and sometimes when her foot made a little noise, it was hard not to scream. But Belle knew she couldn’t scream.
BANG!!!
Belle bumped into a wall. Fear became an imaginary force, immobolizing her; her brain, gluing her to the ground. But she was tenacious.
She turned over and started trotting forwards again. IT was again that lumped, hard ground. Then light flooded the room suddenly, making her feel dizzy.
An elderly woman was gaping at her, taken aback by her appearance.
“I know I can prove Lisa wrong this time.” She thought proudly, with a glint in her eye. But still part of her heart was overwhelmed with lingering fear.
Then Belle’s throat tightened. “Hello, my name is…” She stammered.
“Wait, I know who you are,” the old woman sighed. “I am Lisa.”
The dark and creepy room turned out to be a time travelling machine that the future scientist Lisa Davenport uses for her research!
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不错。。。。
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mark
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这是多大小孩写的啊
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感谢分享，奖学金拿到了吧？
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真不错，还能回忆出来。
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恐怖小说
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同问
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九岁半:)
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应该有奖学金!?
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不错的文章，估计平时没少看fantansy。
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厉害，这不叫作文吧，叫小说或者故事更贴切吧？
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哪种考试类型，多长时间写的呀？小姑娘真棒！
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小学生写，难能可贵。文章有一定层次，逻辑思维，少许文法毛病，用词可以看出书读的不少。写的故事有点cliche，同样的架构可以事先准备用在任何图片上。写作目的比较低，铺设悬念，只是为了最后的surprising ending。所以读了以后，可以回味的收获比较少。如果再大一些，setting, plot, conflict, character, and theme 上就要有更多的打磨。考试写，还是一篇好文章，应该可以加分。
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评论很贴切 我
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评论很贴切 我有同感 但没你说得那么准确
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太有才了！请问这是三年级还是四年级小朋友写出来的？
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总体很不错了！读来很顺畅 小朋友加油！
真要补充一下的话 我记得写作辅导里面有提到扣分的可能点包括short n blunt sentences.考官会看有多少这样的句子
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我19岁都写不出啊。。
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应该是四年级吧，写出这样的文章已经很棒了。
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读起来很熟悉，是不是模仿一本书叫做wrinkle in the time？
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厉害，很有写作天赋
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对于9岁的小朋友来说 真的很不错
况且是奖学金考试 15分钟的时间写出的吗？很赞
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20分钟，AAS还是ACER。不是edutest.
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娃说也有可能写的是这篇，这是平时的一个续写习作，现在她也搞不清写的到底是哪篇了。
With the normal curiosity of a twelve year old boy, Daniel was way ahead of them and exploring the huge backyard. Beyond the stables stood an old shack, overgrown and sadly run-down. There was many holes in the walls, which were cloaked with rust.
Daniel reached for the door handle and tried to turn it. However, this was too locked, so as his father had done, Daniel took out his handkerchief, spat on it and scrubbed at the murky glass in the single window. Pressing his nose to the glass, he peered in. For a few seconds he could see nothing but his own reflection, but then the reflection took on a new shape and Daniel found himself staring into the black eyes of a dirty bearded on the other side of the glass. With a yell of surprise, Daniel bolted. (This is an excerpt from a children’s book)
It must have been minutes until Daniel stopped running. He was quite out of breath, but now the thing that scared him was that he was lost, truly lost. He quickly scanned his surroundings. A tall wooden fence which had a large hole through it, a big gum tree and the misty sky. Behind the fence was the old shack. He had ran all the way to the neighbour’s house! “The farmland is so big, I must of ran so far. But the farmland has a few trees with low grass so it will be easy to find my way.” Daniel thought as he climbed through the hole in the fence, pushing in his belly so it didn’t get spiked against the jagged edges of the fence.
Daniel realised he was now at the back door. The back door was made of straw with a wooden handle. Without hesitation, Daniel turned it. The door made a creaking sound and then it slowly opened, revealing a narrow passageway with blue walls and a very low ceiling. Daniel crawled inside. He only could crawl, the ceiling couldn't be higher than one and a quarter metres.
Daniel continued to crawl. The passageway seemed endless, but how come the shack was so small? Daniel found out that he was going spirally around the house. A few minutes later he found himself where the front door had been, only inside. He looked through the window this time, but it only showed a crying baby with no hair. Daniel quickly bolted ahead. He continued to go in the spiral direction until he came upon a large circular room painted in the same blue color. It was nearly vacant with just a few papers on the floor and an immense shelf tucked in the farthest corner. The shelf itself contained many sockets on every side, and on the inside more sockets were there. “Probably ten billion sockets.” Daniel thought. He was still trying to be quiet, in case the bearded man came again. He reached for one of the papers. In large, bold letters, it read “THE HOUSE OF DESTINY. SEE YOUR FUTURE AND PAST”. Daniel looked down, realising he was the bearded man and the crying baby.
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我女儿（八年级）说前面graceful, elegant, haunted 和exclaim 在一起用词有矛盾。中间黑暗中能看到cobwebs，但又sneaking，最后bang，情结上不符合常识。最后一段在plot上算是climax，但缺乏falling action和resolution，所以整篇看起来更像另一篇更长的节选。评价有点尖锐，但我看九岁半她也写不出来。
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九岁就写得这么好，楼主的孩子绝对是有写作天分的，好羡慕！
我家老大也八年级,她说她写不出这么好。她特别喜欢这两句：“The voice ... distracting her like an earworm.” "Belle’s heart was hammering against her chest, nearly breaking a hole through her skin."
缺点是，她觉得这种反转的小小说，前面铺垫里要到处留下伏笔，这篇还没设计好。另外最后一句反转作为全篇的高潮和收尾，最好不要tell，而且那句tell模糊了视角，导致voice不够强。她建议把最后那句话放到前面old woman的话语里，然后末尾加个短句回到读者视角。
小孩子的comment，不一定对，做不得数。只算个小朋友之间的交流？
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Top2% well done
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9岁半已经写的很不错的
我家老二看了说要像小姐姐学习
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