澳洲英文作文点评贴 -

在澳大利亚小学教育



提交要求：

1. 以中小学生为主，大学也可以，最好不超过1500字。
2. 必须打字输入，修正明显的拼写和标点错误，不接受扫描图片附件。
2. 文体不限。注明作者笔名，年龄或年纪。
3. 希望足友踊跃评论（用中文和英文都可以），帮助作者提高。
4. 我会点评，并回复改进版本一次。

建议：半年一次评选前三名作者（可以让足友投票评选），作文继续修改后可以参加每年一度的悉尼小学生作文比赛。

欢迎更多建议，以供参考。









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Sample submission:

David, 12, Year 5.

I turned into an iPad

I play at least 5 hours a day. I was up to my second hour when I suddenly felt stiff. My arms kept shrinking into my body until they were gone. Then my legs shrunk too, and last shrunk my head. I began to turn rectangular.

Just then I heard my mum’s footsteps and she opened the door. ‘Where’s David and why are there two iPads in the room?’ she asked. Then I tried to speak but instead a message popped up. My mum came over to me and when she read the message she was shocked. She picked me up and went to Dad’s room

Dad was playing his own ipad when my mum entered. ‘This iPad says he is David.’

But my dad was too interested in his iPad to notice. When he did though he took me and started looking at me then I made a message pop up and he was shocked. He jumped out of the bed and shook me. After that I was dizzy. Then my parents went around the house to find me. They couldn’t so they called the police after about 1min I heard the police siren. When they got here I suddenly felt my arms again and my legs too. So I guess my head is back too? I am out to my mum.

‘Why did you call us?’ asked the policeman.

‘Because my child is missing!’

‘‘But who is the one behind you?’

Then she turned around and found me.


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lz, kindi的可以吗？

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可以。

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点评：

1. 很有创意。
2. 句子通顺，故事主线和作者的声音基本清晰。
3. 转变过程更详细一些，需要加一些‘害怕’的感觉，想象一下碰到这种事情会说些什么呢？还有，头缩小了，变为rectangular， 那‘I’怎么知道这些？还可以看见什么吗？怎么就知道‘I’变成了iPad? 主人公‘I’一定要有知觉，否则整个故事就‘断’了。
4. 有些句子连的太长。
5. 变回去的过程也要详细一点。如何突然就变回‘人’了？
6. 加一点时间概念。大概什么时候？
7. 加一些父母亲的情感反应。


改进版本：

I turned into an iPad

My parents gave me an iPad as a birthday gift. I played at least five hours a day. I couldn’t separate my iPad from me. I brushed my teeth only when my mum reminded me to, and when I actually did it I had to watch my iPad at the same time. I ate breakfast with one hand while the other was on the iPad playing the game.

One Saturday afternoon I was up to my second hour in the game when I suddenly felt stiff. I had a tingling feeling on my arms and legs. But I didn’t stop playing, until I realized my arms began to shrink. I was really scared. I didn’t know what to do but watch my arms becoming smaller, and smaller, until they were all gone. Then the same horrible thing was happening to my legs.  

I was terrified and yelled, ‘Somebody help me, I am dying.’

But nobody came. I yelled again, and found I couldn’t even hear myself. I moved my arms, there was none; I kicked my legs, but nothing happened. I struggled for nearly half an hour in vain. Then I looked up at the roof, where an installed mirror was. I was shocked to see two iPads lying on the bed, and the camera eye of one of them was staring at me.

‘What on earth has happened to me,’ I asked. ‘Why are there two iPads on the bed?’

Then a sudden idea came to me. ‘OMG, have I turned to an iPad?’ I said.

To my surprise the screen of the iPad displayed exactly what I had just said, ‘OMG, have I turned to an iPad?’

“What?’ I exclaimed. And immediately the screen displayed ‘What?’.

Now I was certain I was turned into an iPad. The little camera eye was all I could see the outside world with, and everything I could see was pixilated.  

I was upset, but felt no pain. I began to think turning into an iPad might not be a bad idea. Maybe I could continue my favorite game, and even become a real someone in the game.

‘David, get up,’ my mum called, as usual every day. ‘It is time for dinner.’

I said something, which was only displayed on the screen. ‘Mum, I was turned into an iPad.’

My mum entered the room. She asked, ‘Where has David gone? And why there is another iPad in the room?’  

Then she picked me up, and was very shocked at the message. ‘What? David was turned to an iPad? How was that possible?’

She carried me and went to my dad’s room. My dad was also playing his own iPad on the bed.

“This iPad says it’s David!’’ said Mum.

My dad was too busy with the iPad to answer her. So she put me in front of his eyes and repeated, “This iPad says it’s David!’’

Interrupted by her, Dad was very angry. He stared at Mum and said loudly, “What nonsense! Go away, don’t bother me!’’

As usual for many matters in the house, they argued for a long time. My dad jumped out of the bed. He shook me and I was dizzy. But of course, they couldn’t believe the truthfulness of the messages I had been saying. So they went about to find me. But they couldn’t find me. I was not inside the house, not in the backyard, nor in my friend’s house.

Now really worried they decided to call the police. They really did, I heard the police siren.

I was desperate. ‘Mum, I am really really David. I don’t think police are going to help at all.’

‘But who else can help?’

‘Scientist,’ I said.

‘Ding Dong,’ the door bell rang. It must be the police.

My mum rushed to the door, and accidentally dropped me from her hand. I landed on the hard wooden floor, feeling a sharp pain, and before I could understand anything, I was scrambling to stand up.

“Who is missing?’’ asked the policeman.

“My son,” said my mum, in an anxious and tearful voice.

“But who’s that behind you?”

My mum turned around, with her eyes full of tears and as big as apples.


THE END


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能推荐下比较好的小学生写作的指导书籍吗？


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呵呵，不好意思，还真不知道有什么比较好的指导书。 每个学生的情况不一样... 到书店如果有卖应该都有帮助. 要多看多练习..

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好

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Regan, Year 4.


这是学生自己写的Pokémon游戏小说的部分选段

The Pokémon World

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We walked into the wide building and in front of us was the professor.

“May I see your Pokémon again,” said Rowan.

We handed in our Pokémon to the professor.

“Hmm” hummed the professor. “They are young but they seem happy, alright! You can keep them. Also would you like to help me with something? As a very busy man, I would like you to help me with studying Pokémon. This is a Pokedex. It will record the Pokémon you encounter.

Is where your journey really begins.

When we left the lab, dawn was waiting for us.

“You see this building with the orange roof”, Dawn said “That is the Pokecentre. Inside that building you can hear your Pokémon or use the PC. Do you also see that building with the blue roof? That is the Pokemart. You may buy or sell items at the Pokemart. Oh yes! Don’t you two need to tell your mums? They need to know about this.”

I walked down the route and then entered Twinleaf Town. I entered my house and saw mum watching TV.

“Oh! Hey Regan!” It’s very late you should get some sleep.

THE NEXT MORNING………

“What did you want to tell me dear”, asked mum.

I then told her what happened.

“Wow, that’s amazing”, exclaimed mum. “I wish I could do it instead. Just kidding! Also, take this. This is a journal. It will record what you do each day. Have fun”

As soon as mum finished speaking, Steve’s mum came into our house.

“Oh, hi!” said Steve’s mum. “I was wondering whether you could give this to Steve. I had no time to give it to him”. I agreed to take the parcel to Steve.

When I went back to Sandegm Town, I healed my Pokémon in the Pokecentre (because I fought Starlys and Bidoofs while getting here.) When I approached route 202, Dawn was waiting for me.

“The other boys are already at Jublife City so you are quite behind. I did forget to tell you something yesterday, which is how to catch a Pokémon. First you need to find a wild Pokémon.

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点评：


1. 故事人物和结构还算清楚。
2. 但非常缺少场景细节描述，人物不够生动。


改进版本：

The Pokémon World

We walked into the wide building, and in front of us was the white-bearded professor.

“May I see your Pokémon again,” he said, squinting from a pair of gold-rimmed spectacles.  

Without hesitation I handed in our Pokémon to the professor, who had gained much of our confidence with his knowledge and wisdom.  

“Hmm,” the professor nodded, after a long moment of thoughtful inspection, “they are young but they seem happy, alright! You can keep them. Also would you like to help me with something? As a very busy man, I would like you to help me with studying Pokémon. This is a Pokedex. It will record the Pokémon you encounter.’  

So it was where our journey really began.

Outside the lab, Dawn was waiting for us. “You see that building with the orange roof?” he asked, pointing at a building a few blocks away from the lab. “That is the Pokecentre. Inside that building you can hear your Pokémon or use the PC. Do you also see the building with the blue roof? That is the Pokemart. You may buy or sell items at the Pokemart. Oh yes! Don’t you two need to tell your mums? They need to know about this.”

It was late in evening, and to be honest, I was weary enough for a nice sleep. So after saying ‘good night’ to the guys, I walked down the route to Twinleaf Town. I entered my house and saw Mum watching TV.

“Oh, Regan!” she exclaimed at once at her first sight of me, like one whose worry seemed endless. ‘It’s very late you should get some sleep, otherwise I would like to hear what you have been up to this whole day.’

‘Yes, Mum,’ I mutterred, dragging myself upstairs to my bedroom.  

THE NEXT MORNING………

“What did you want to tell me dear,” Mum asked as soon as I was seated for breakfast. With so much pride and a fresh mind I began to tell her what had happened.

“Wow, that’s amazing”, Mum said. “I wish I myself could do it instead. Just kidding! Also, take this. This is a journal. It will record what you do each day, have fun.”

At that moment, we heard someone knocking at the door. Mum rose and went for it and when the door was opened, I saw Steve’s mum's smiling face.  

“Good morning, Helen, ” she greeted promptly, “I am sorry to have come early to interrupt your breakfast, but I wonder whether Regan could give this to Steve. I go shopping and won’t have time to give him myself.”  

‘Steve?’ I called out, surprised. ‘Has he already set off to the Town?’

‘Yes, indeed, he left home earliy, having barely finished breakfast.’

‘Haha, the hasty Steve,’ I was laughing. ‘Then leave the parcel here, and I will pass it to him.’

At Sandegm Town, I repaired my Pokémon in the Pokecentre (because I had fought Starlys and Bidoofs while getting here.) When I approached the route 202, I saw Dawn waiting there with anxious look.  

“Hurry, Regan, the other boys are already at Jublife City so you are quite behind,’ he shot out his words. ‘And I did forget to tell you something yesterday, which is how to catch a Pokémon. First you need to find a wild Pokémon...

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楼主这个主意好，我家小朋友写了很多东西，我有空手打发上来

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謝謝樓主的用心.

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:)

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我家儿子year1,喜欢编故事，可以发上来点评一下吗？

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可以

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谢谢楼主。真是及时雨，我家闺女现在2年级，刚开始接触作文。就是不知道怎么给她讲写作文。从他的文章中，我感觉她还不会如何组织一篇作文的结构，也不太会给出details来support her ideas. 段落上也是不断重复自己的观点。但是我不知道如何给他讲清楚这些要点。还要麻烦楼主你指点一下。非常感谢
作文题目： Riding bikes on the road is dangerous. What do you fee about this idea? write to show your opinions to reader.
她写的如下：
    Riding bikes on the road is extremely dangerous. Here are my reasons why riding bikes on the road is dangerous. There will be more chance of you to fall and hurt yourself badly. There is also more chance of riding too fast and losing a child. Most dangerous of all, a car might crash into you and you will almost certainly die. There are no reasons for why riding bikes on the road is fantastic.
    Firstly, because there are many many cars on the road, it will be more likely to fall and hurt yourself badly. If you have children with you, they will most likely die.
    Secondly, you might ride too fast because there are no people blocking your wall, if you are going for a ride on your bike with your children, you might ride too fast and lose your children.
    Lastly, you might crash and die. Your friends, children, family and relatives will be miserable a-gloomy.
    Because it is so dangerous to rid on the road, why do we need bicycle paths on the road?

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谢谢，Casussing 提交作文 --

点评：
1. 小孩文章总是很有趣。
2. 三个论点，(more chance to fall and hurt, more chance riding too fast, a car might crash into you), 都不存立，因为只提出表面结果，没有找出真正原因，比如，为什么容易翻跟斗，为什么太快，为什么人家会撞你？
3. 因为不是真正原因，所以作者无法提出论据，主体中只是重复‘论点’。
4. 最后的一句，混了bikes 和 bicycles, road 和 paths两者的概念。

建议：

1. 建议这个阶段的小孩，尽量多看书，带她们到图书馆，借书，他们自己选择。多鼓励和奖励，每周要看完一定数量的书籍。
2. 对于议论文，因为涉及的是道理和逻辑，家长其实更容易帮忙。记叙文涉及文字灵活性和创意，反而比较难教。
3. 议论文，家长要帮忙分析找出论点，头脑风暴，找出5个，选出三个独立、不交叉论点，加以论证。你要一直‘穷根究底’，小孩也会学会问问题，找出答案。平时，对社会上发生的事情，电视内容，多问他们问什么，why, why, why, why....
4. 还有，要学会‘反向思维’，大家都会那么想，你就要反过来，这样会标新立异。
5. 记住道理总有正反，想深入了，你总可以有新的论点和论据。

下面是我的版本（我尽量用小孩的口吻，不过不容易，）

你可以叫小孩分析一下，这篇文章主要论点是什么，如果她要反驳，应该用什么论据，或者新的论点来说服我。


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Is riding bikes on the road dangerous?

Everyone has seen bikes, either with pedals, or motored, running on the road. And the riders seem always very glad and excited, not like the common car drivers, who are most of the time I would say very unhappy, or even fall into sleep, and who nowadays can only keep awake by playing mobile phones. Sometimes I saw my parents very tired and sleepy, but they still kept on driving, and you know our car is one of those big and heavy and solid wagons.

So which is more dangerous, riding a bike, or driving other vehicles?

I know, I know you are going to say, the bike is very small, and very easy to be knocked over and the rider will quickly die. But, think a moment, is the size the main thing that makes a vehicle safer or not for driving? Can you answer me then, honestly, is the big big and heavy truck safer than the common cars?

See, you are confused, because a truck certainly looks more dangerous than any other vehicles, especially, if you may imagine, how hard is it for it to stop on a steep slope? Aren’t all the people along the road going to die if they have bad luck to go close to that monster truck?

And, in the case of motorcycles, they make a lot of noises, alerting all the people around them, who will then drive more carefully, and accidents would less likely occur. And moreover, because the riders don’t sit so comfortable and feel sleepy as the case in a car, the riders are more watchful, and never possibly go to sleep. So, don’t you think riding bikes is even safer than driving the comfortable cars?

If the smaller size of bikes would not necessarliy make it more dangerous in riding, what else then make people always think so?

Ah, yes, you would say, they don’t have proper signals, and they often squeeze dangerously among others. But first and foremost, any vehicle should be lawful in using the road. The rider must of course wear helmet, must have proper singling devices, just like driving cars must have its own set of requirements. If the lights of a car are broken, if the drivers don’t put on their seatbelts, do you think they are still safer than the bikes?

So the concept that riding bikes have to be more dangerous than otherwise is more or less an assumption.  

But really, what makes driving a vehicle dangerous or not?

Now, I want you to compare two examples, say, a drunkard driving a car, and a nice and sober guy driving a bike, which is more dangerous?

See, you already have the answer. The fact is no matter what vehicles are running on the road, so long as they are approved by the law to be allowed in the traffic, it is the driver or the rider that really determines upon the lever of danger, rather than the relevant size or slimness of certain vehicles. As long as you stick to traffic rules, give way friendly, never drink driving, no speeding, and no fatigue driving, running what type of vehicles is almost irrelevant to the safety records. In fact, I have never seen a bike being involved in road accidents, I know it is my personal experience, but honestly have you ever seen one so far in your life, if so, more often than the all-car-accidents? And even if it is being involved, I would assume, if not too fancy, it is more likely the car driver who uses mobiles that has caused the accident.

In conclusion, it is not the size or the weight of a vehicle or how many wheels that has to make it more dangerous than others. It is the driver or the rider the live person that would ultimately determine how many accidents would happen on our roads.  

So, bike riders, enjoy your ride, but do abide by the law, wearing tight your helmet, and using correct signals. But please don’t always make too loud a noise, my ears hurt, you know.

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非常感谢。非常有深度有见解有用。我会和女儿好好探讨一下怎么写文章。
她很爱阅读，阅读量很大。但是不喜欢讲故事，表达能力不好。
你说的重复观点的问题，我也看出来了，
你觉得她这个年龄阶段，多读范文，背范文有用吗？对学习写议论文来说

谢谢

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这个阶段不建议读范文，读多了，又没有思想和创意，会非常死板。而且如果所谓的范文不是什么名家作品，只是其他同学写的东西的话，会更糟糕。

当然，如果“范文” 是指一个著名作家的文章（至少是公开出版的），而且，这个作家的‘声音频率’同自己的频率接近，可以反复读，强化这种声音，自己写起来的时候比较顺手，有流畅感。这里训练的是作者写作声音，是作者的表达风格。

注意，范文无法给你创意，最多只是一种形式。最好的办法是让小孩大量阅读，训练自己独特的‘写作语言。

不过小孩太小，讲风格太早，有也是不断变化的。

有时候，小孩读的多，但感觉写不好。这是很正常的。因为，写是要有了感觉和思想，有那种冲动才可以写。所以，除了多看书，更要注意观察，体验生活，有了思想，加上通过看书所获得文字表达手段，才可以写出好的作品。


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小孩作业，请指教：
Roro, Year 1, 7 Years Old
Year One Excursion
On Monday morning we went toThe Royal Batanic Gardens.
Before we went .My class ate their brain food and put their hats on. When Year 1s got there they played a game of 1s and 2s. After that we met our guide Sue. Next we saw the Harry Potter tree and we saw the banana Palm. Then we saw the daffodils. Next we saw the oak tree, it was struck by lightening and we put flowers around it. Then we saw the bunya bunya tree and we made pot-pourris. After that we walked through the rain forest. We saw ducks, swans and moo hens and then we made a plant.
Finally we got on the bus, we had to wait for 1G. When they got on the bus, we went back to school.
The most interesting thing was making the pot plant because we got to bring it home.

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谢谢Tomorr提交作文

一，二年级学生的写作重点是简单句，争取一句一句的把意思讲明白。以后的复合句也是以清清楚楚的简单句‘叠加’的。

点评：

-- 对于一年级学生来说，写的很好。每个句子的意思基本上是明白的，标点符号也清楚（当然，不知道在你抄到网上的时候是不是有了改正）。
-- 可以直接说明brain food, game, pot-plant 具体是什么。自己在哪个班级（1S, 2S, 1G）要说清楚。
-- 可以叫小孩试着加点简单形容词，对看到的东西稍微描述一下。
-- 小孩的时间概念上会一直用then，可以叫他们换一些说法。

以下是修改以后的，可以叫小孩看着对比，找出区别。


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Year One Excursion

On Monday morning we went to Royal Botanic Gardens. 1S, 2S and 1G each took a bus. I was in 1S.

Before we went, we ate brain food and put our hats on. When we got there we played a game with 2s. Then our guide Sue led us to see the Harry Potter tree and the banana Palm. We also saw the beautiful daffodils. There was a giant oak tree. It was struck by lightning and we put flowers around it. Then we saw the bunya tree and made a pot-plant. After that we walked through the rainforest. We saw funny ducks, swans and moorhens. The moorhen was very pretty. It had a black body and a red and yellow bill.

Finally we got on the bus, but we had to wait for 1G. When they also got on the bus, we went back to school.

The most interesting thing was making the pot-plant because we got to bring it home.

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谢谢你的指导，我会和孩子一起学习。

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我倒觉得你的孩子写得很好。如果真是才Year 2，是很令人吃惊的。重复论点是小问题，在低年级根本不是事儿。
我反而觉得LZ写得关于骑自行车危险与否的所谓示范文并不好，对于低年级写作，还未必有你孩子本来的好。

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我在洗碗，孩子让我想一个prompt, 然后她写一个故事。我说那就bubble 和citrus 吧。问我写哪方面的，我说关于家庭的吧。10分钟的作文，不是很棒的那种，我一直在想怎么让她突破写作瓶颈呢。
While She Was Washing The Dishes Family version

Hailey Donovan quietly hummed along to Adele’s ‘Hello’ as she did the dishes. The back door was open and the light summer breeze drifted in, causing a sense of peace and tranquillity.

Hailey had always lived a quiet, no drama life with her two kids and husband in a nice neighbourhood, and she never wanted much more.

“MOMMY!!! Jessie is being mean to meeeeee!” Tyler, her youngest child, came blubbering into the kitchen.
“It’s ok, honey. You know she’s just joking around.” Hailey replied smoothly, ruffling Tyler’s sandy hair.
“Here, go play with this.” Hailey produced a bubble blower and sent Tyler on his way.

Hailey kept scrubbing the dishes, unaware of the silence that fell around her. She only snapped out of her ‘dish-washing daze’ when she smelt a strong citrusy scent.

‘Strange…’ she thought, and slowly followed the smell outside, where the sun was slowly setting.
Her jaw dropped as she stepped into her backyard, where her two kids and husband sat on the grass, staring at the hundreds of lemony smelling bubbles drifting across the pinkish blue sky.

THIS, she thought, was beautiful. She leaned against the doorframe to admire the beauty of the moment, only for it to be lost when Tyler jumped up and yelled, ‘IS IT DINNER TIME???”

请指点

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然后她说这个prompt太boring了，我说那就再写一个horror version 吧，于是十分钟后有了下面的另一个版本

While She Was Washing The Dishes Horror version

Hailey Donovan quietly hummed along to Adele’s ‘Hello’ as she did the dishes. The back door was open and the light summer breeze drifted in, causing a sense of peace and tranquillity.

Hailey had always lived a quiet, no drama life with her two kids and husband in a nice neighbourhood, and she never wanted much more.

She suddenly heard a thump outside, where her kids and husband were playing. Slowly she dropped the towel she was holding and crept towards the back door.

A feeling of dread washed over her, as if her gut instinct already knew what would happen, even if her brain didn’t.

Goosebumps tingled on her skin as a sickening, familiar, citrusy perfume wafted pass her nose, and Hailey halted.

Should she call the police first? Her moment of hesitation was forgotten about when she heard a ear-piercing shriek.  Jessie. Hailey dashed outside, crying out when she saw Jessie, Tyler and her husband Andrew lying on the trampoline, surrounded by a pool of blood.

Where was the killer?! As much as Hailey wanted to look for him/her, her feet were frozen to the ground, forcing her to keep staring at the sight that would change her life forever.

A shiver ran down her spine, and it was NOT from the cold. Suddenly, it was as if her senses came back.
“MURDER!!! SOMEBODY HEL-” Her screams were cut short by a gloved hand squashed over her mouth. Hailey looked up to see flashing green eyes she would know anywhere; her step-sister, Allison.

Hailey felt a sharp pain in her head before her vision blurred red and her world slowly faded away.

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请大师指点


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Copy 过来段落有点乱


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谢谢。她今年是year 2。我感觉她写议论文的时候，思路不够开阔，想的idea很重复。这个不知道怎么弄。写的文章都满长的，无论议论文还是叙事文。谢谢你的鼓励
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