虽然我们从来没领过什么奖，但也不耽误娃在家开心地写一个获奖女孩的故事。
修改意见是：
1）开头应该直接进礼堂，烘托热烈欢快气氛，不应该啰嗦进无关内容。（新想到的修改意见）
2) 小男孩在叫喊nightmare那里稍有误导，可能写成真的nightmare之神会更有意思？或者干脆删掉。
3) 最后结局虽然出人意料，但也没有写得特别清楚，需要继续改和大幅删减。
4） 另外rainbow chain标题在文章情节中的份额太少了，应该多一点，最好能做成一个motif. 虽然我也不知道怎么做出来。
5）不应该写一个大人惊吓小朋友的故事，即使是出于善意。 （新想到的修改意见2）
The Rainbow Chain
“Jess, you did it. Seriously. I can’t believe it. You won the first prize. We’re going to the ceremony. I appreciate your story of the Rainbow Chain.” Jessica’s mother, Mrs. Flora, nodded seriously, but then her tone changed. “Congratulations!”
Jessica’s heart was pounding as her mother said this. She’d entered the competition a month before. You were supposed to write something fantasy. She’d been through a whole lot before uploading it, and there she was, standing.
“They must have got it wrong.” She suggested, still feeling very shy. She looked at her sneakers. It wasn’t a bad thing, but she was afraid of those cameras pointing straight at her like laser beams. “I couldn’t have won, Mother.”
“Dear, I know they haven’t made a mistake.” came the squeaky reply from her father, Mr. Flora.
“Stop this chatter, let’s do that. We should be heading off to the ceremony! We obviously all want a good seat!” Mrs. Flora shushed them hurriedly, nodding towards Mr. Flora.
So Jessica jumped on the car and they drove along the way. They were all quite nervous, but Jessica the most. But they were silent. None of them said a word until half of the ride. Mrs. Flora interrupted, “We’re very proud. I assure you. And don’t be nervous, Jess.”
This made Jessica’s spirits rise.
Finally they arrived. The huge stadium was three times a football field. Chairs were aligned along the stage. The whole room were filled with noise. Everyone seemed like they’d been at the best party that could ever take place. The stage was round with one single microphone in the middle. It had wooden stairs leading up the stage, which looked from the time of Napoleon Bonaparte.
It was a bright place, with rainbow lights forming a chain making the room so bright most people had to squint. The rainbow lights seemed as if glitter was shooting out of them. There was also a dull grey light which lead to a fierce shadow.
Suddenly the lights were turned off. Instead a spotlight took place in the centre of the stage. After hearing eerie-sounding footsteps, a man came on the stage. He had the same shadow.
He was wearing black trousers. His black trousers seemed too small for him. He also had a red tie. He held a knife in his hands, covered with blacked. Then he cackled cruelly. With the knife, he pointed straight at Jessica, the sound of his laugh echoing in her ears.
“NIGHTMARE!” A little child shouted, covering his eyes. “HE’S A NIGHTMARE!”
The man pointed out his flat teeth and smirked, ignoring the boy, raising the knife to a point that made everyone shiver.
“Jessica, come up for your prize!” He shouted in a voice that made everyone gulp. He smirked again, this time snickering a little.
Jessica covered her eyes. She sniffed and shivered. But the man had a knife. Slumping, she trotted at a slow pace towards the stage. She was biting her lip the whole time, but with the lights off, no one noticed.
“Good. Now I’m ready.” He roared and placed the knife on top of Jessica’s head. “Thank you. I won’t be arrested just yet. I’ll be too smart for that after I do such an intelligent action! All I will take is your smart brain. Then I can win the prize, a rainbow chain! Ha! They will approve my story, not yours! Oh, I will be so rich when I sell it! Now be ready to die!”
Just as he was about to swing the knife on poor Jessica, he ‘heard’ a yell.
“No, evil man! Do not kill her. Her body is precious, is more than that rainbow chain. You will prove you are worthy enough to win another one. But if you kill her, you will win nothing. For she is more precious than the rainbow chain.” The yell repeated over and over again, and it seemed so strong.
“That’s how good her story is, guys. It gives us a big shock like you have now when you know that yell was from me and I’m not evil. Well anyway, I was pretending. But having a shock is good in a narrative, or any story like form. So Jessica, may you receive your rainbow chain!” The man smiled and took out his hand. “Isn’t that a great way to make your story interesting?”
评论
几岁孩子啊？
评论
9岁，所以还不会精炼。
我想了想，应该把开头直接设置在礼堂，不应该罗里吧嗦讲那么多。
评论
这是孩子的作文吧？家长就不必多费心在细节上啦。我觉得写得不错呀
评论
9岁的小朋友，写得挺不错。语法、拼写都很棒。
结尾感觉比较出人意料，一下子把读者的兴趣提上去了。
可能稍微紧凑一点比较好一点，稍微有一点感觉主题不是很明确。
多跟小朋友解释一下一般故事结构会更好：
- setting
- probem
- complication
- resolution
- ending
我们家有时写的时候也是东拉西扯的，正在努力中。
评论
羡慕lz的孩子能写这么多，而且写的这么生动。
评论
看到写得无理的地方，实在忍不住
评论
我觉得写的很好啊。让小朋友有自己的想法，他想怎么写就怎么写。
评论
我很赞同，可惜没分了。
先上白条！
评论
请教一下，你家平时怎么鼓励孩子写文章的呀？会帮忙修改吗？
评论
做为家长这么多年也看了很多写作了，自己孩子的，别的孩子的。这里直率说一下，楼主勿怪，是为了你孩子更好。
写的不太好。啰嗦是一方面，但有其它问题。直接感觉是太单调。
评论
主要是和娃一起想故事的主题。修改也是提提意见，具体动手改是娃的任务。
把它当做一个好玩的游戏就很开心：）
评论
下午接到情报，ICAS写作出来啦！
HD, 有点开心
评论
是的，肯定要辅导和修改呀！不然就不用老师和家长了。
谢谢提醒！
评论
作为九岁的孩子，写的很好啦。
评论
楼主家小朋友喜欢写，仅这个就该大大鼓励啦。
不过个人觉得这篇写的有点文不对题，如果说这只是长篇里面的一个章节，还勉强过去，因为前后还有铺垫和后续，但如果是作为一片完整的短文，就会有些不知所云的感觉。
另外，恕我直言，家长英文不是很给力的话，孩子的作文最好请别人来修改了。这篇短文里一些句式，选词还有描述已经带有一些中式英文的味道。
评论
是的是的！！！我一个字都不敢改。
虽然我雅思作文8.5， 但还是不太敢动手，嘿嘿。。。
评论
写的很生动
评论
LZ不要来炫耀，请低调，看完这个，回去准备揍我那9岁的贪玩孩子。。。让我们情何以堪？
评论
写得好！
评论
好棒的小朋友。
评论
9岁小朋友写的非常好，用词很丰富，句式也很多变化，
澳洲中文论坛热点
- 悉尼部份城铁将封闭一年，华人区受影响！只能乘巴士（组图）
- 据《逐日电讯报》报导，从明年年中开始，因为从Bankstown和Sydenham的城铁将因Metro South West革新名目而
- 联邦政客们具有多少房产？
- 据本月早些时分报导，绿党副首领、参议员Mehreen Faruqi已获准在Port Macquarie联系其房产并建造三栋投资联